Brutally Honest

Thursday, July 3, 2014 12:00KST/9:00UTC/5:00EDT

NOTE: while I'm on safari, I'm going to post this.  It is not necessarily specifically related to my trip, but is something in my life I'm dealing with while I'm over here. Writing this has been extremely cathartic.  I realize that it is not a "light read", and you may be tempted to abandon the effort, but I challenge you to read it slowly and digest it as you are able. Then, I want your response. Am I spot-on, totally off-base, or some of both?

It is a common trait amongst "civilized" cultures to protect the feelings of another person for fear of offending and imparting a sense of rejection of that person due to a perceived flaw or short-coming.  This is especially true in the "genteel" southern US.  Sadly, this can often be a counter productive trait that actually harms relationships more than it helps.  We owe it to our friends, colleagues, and associates to "speak the truth in love."  They may not be aware of the flaw, and would be grateful for your intervention, especially if the message of reproof also provides a path to improvement.

I am reminded of an event in my life where one day a dear friend I worked with had a particularly nasty case of offensive body odor.  It was not a common trait, but on this particular day, due to whatever reason, he was quite pungent.  I do not know if he was aware of his offense, but I do know that he was in desperate need of intervention in the form of deodorant.  As it so happened I had a small canister of spray-on antiperspirant and deodorant in my car.  I was able to place it inside a large take-out cup for discreetness and hand it to him with this simple message, "a true friend has your back, even when it means saying potentially offensive but brutally honest things."  He saw the contents of cup, realize the intent of the message and thanked me before exiting to remedy his situation.

Sometimes, the deficiency is not so easily rectified, and this is where it gets tricky.  A life-lesson I learned many years ago say this,"no one wants to be told that their baby is ugly."  When you see sub-standard traits and characteristics in an individual's work or life that in your experience or belief will severe impair their chance to succeed and have a positive outcome in the end if they continue down the path that they have been allowed to choose, you have a tough decision.  Sometimes it is hard to know if the inferiority is due to ignorance, which can be corrected, or innate inability which often cannot. To borrow a line from Sarah Palin, even if you put lipstick on a pig, it is still a pig.

So, if you know of someone who needs your sage wisdom, you must choose which is the greater "crime": to offer real and raw counsel that says you believe continuing along in the current direction will not lead to success for an extended period of time if ever, then offer advice that runs contrary to the path they are on; or to "pass the buck", write them off, and let them wallow along in their delusion as their frustration over never being successful is allowed to fester. Yes, learning you believe they are never going to achieve success in the pursuit they are chasing can "rock their world," and may even evoke a strong rebuttal, but this is where a true friend is proven. You still need to be brutally honest with them but then follow it up with a love-filled bear hug of caring.

Once the subject is broached and after the initial shock of hearing rare brutal honesty sinks in, hearing the truth in love from a truly caring friend can occur.  At this point it is essential to outline their positive attributes and describe how when applied in a different manner, a different result can be achieved; one that is more positive, rewarding, and with a higher likelihood of a success-filled future.  Look at other, unused,or under-used skill-sets they possess, and consider how these might be the keys to unlocking that brighter future.  Taking time to do this can be be risky, but if your heart is in it, your chance for success is high.

In the same way, we need to be willing to stand up and say to our friends and co-workers in need of a relationship with Jesus, dear brother or sister, "I want to help you to correct a seriously glaring shortcoming in your life".  It takes courage and it takes risking the relationship. Coming up out of the blue and telling someone they "need to be saved" is tantamount to telling someone they are a loser without hope.  It is disingenuous at best and patently offensive at the worst.  A wise man once told me you can't help some to be saved if they do not know they are lost. Yes, the more difficult task always is explaining, with brutal honesty, how the road they are on will never provide them the safety, security, and success they are seeking.  With sincerity and sensitivity, showing them you truly care will usually lead to a willing ear, ultimately open heart.  Remember the old-but-true adage, "they won't care how much you know until they know how much you care."

In closing, know that the only things that change instantly are coffee and grits, and in both case most people agree that however satisfying the immediacy may seem, the result is almost always an inferior product to the one that is allowed to simmer and reach it peak flavor in the fullness of time.  Don't be disappointed if perceivable change isn't immediate, but trust the Holy Spirit to provide the low-and-slow heat that will yield the lasting, long term, desired result.